How many times have you met someone, had a bit of small talk for 2 awkward minutes & moved on never to speak with that person again? Every person you ever meet isn’t going to be your friend but we do need to actively build new relationships. We’re social animals and need to have relationships with people. We need to start conversations with people for professional reasons as well.
Friends drop off. They get married, have kids. People move. We have to work to get new friends and maintain those relationships throughout our lives. But it’s not easy. We get new jobs where we have to meet & have good relationships with our new colleagues.
Small Talk is Essential for Building Relationships
Starting conversations occurs when you’re meeting new people but also when you’re in the conference room & the meeting hasn’t started yet. Transition times I call them. Just before the job interview starts. (Crickets)
Before I started this piece I read every article I could find on the interweb about starting conversations. People are still recommending that you ask questions (NO! Don’t do it!) and talk about the weather (Not. joking.)
So why the awkward conversations? What is it that you’re doing wrong that’s making your introductory conversations awkward? I’ll tell you.
Don’t Ask Questions
Exactly the opposite of what everyone tells you, right? Nobody wants to answer the questions “What do you do?” & “Where are you from?” Nobody does. So why do we keep asking? People have been asked that question countless times; they have routine answers that bore even them when they tell the stories.
Where people are from & what they do are details that are best left for after you get to know someone a bit. Unless you make your decisions about people based on that information. “Oh. You’re a plumber? Ba-bye!” Making conversation isn’t Tinder, folks. We don’t need the specs before we start to chat.
Very often after these questions are answered you’ve reached an awkward brick wall. The conversation goes nowhere and there’s an awkward silence. Here are 2 examples of awkward small talk. Have they ever happened to you?
Q. Whadja do this weekend?
A. (Mind draws a blank) Uuuuuuhh. I did my laundry… nothin’ much
Q. Hey! What’s going on?
A. Uuuuuhhh…nothing…things are good…how about you?
Have you ever gotten into the Greeting Loop?
Hi! Nice to see you! How are you?
Great! Great! How are you?
Good & you? ad infinitum.
Reminds me of this movie clip: [Do you like… Cheese?]
Here’s the deal. I’m not saying don’t be interested in what others have to say. Our goal is to get people to talk. Counterintuitively, asking questions doesn’t help us achieve that goal when we don’t know someone well. When you’ve asked some boring questions people begin to get nervous & they start thinking, “Oh Jeez! What am I going to say next!” Many people think their stories of where they’re from & what they do are boring to others.
Solution 1. Have an arsenal of anecdotes until you learn to create them on the spot.
Solution 2. This sounds scary but it’s magic: Talk about your emotions. The emoji of conversations.
Arsenal of Anecdotes
I was supposed to meet some friends at a restaurant on Little West 12th Street. I had never heard of Little W12! This was before the days of GPS on your phone. I was actually afraid I wouldn’t find it! Isn’t that silly?! What a crazy fear. I got there early, so I sat at the bar next to some guy & I told him that I’d never heard of this part of town & that I was actually afraid I wouldn’t find it. He was able to relate & told me his tales on the topics. By the time my friends got there, he & I were having a hoot & a holler.
Talking about how you feel about something makes people relate to you. It disarms them. Sharing emotions like fear and embarrassment warm people up and establish strong ties at the onset eliminating the need for boring Q&As
Small talk. It’s not about you
Don’t reply to everything someone says with a story about you. We call those people one-uppers & they get tiresome really quick.
You: Hi where are you from?
Stranger: I’m from London.
You: Oh. I’ve been to London. Do you know John Smith?
Where are you from?
I travel down to Austin a few times a year to help a corporate client. It’s awesome. (Or as my 7 year old says, “Saucesome.”) Very hospitable folk. Always take me out after work to check out the amazing food & beverages. Margaritas! But I digress. I often stayed at the same hotel and a girl that worked there asked me every single time where I was from. Every time I check-in, she goes, “Where are you from?” I’d tell her, “I live in Manhattan.” she’d say, “I hate New York. I went there once and there was steam coming out of the ground, it was so dirty.” That was her version of small talk.
I’m sure she wasn’t trying to be my friend, mind you, but insulting where I’m from is not going to make me like you. This story contains both errors I’ve mentioned thus far. Asking, “Where are you from?” Then making where I’m from be about her.
Side-note: “Where are you from?” is a difficult question for most people to answer these days. Where am I from? I’m from a small town on the north shore of Long Island. I’ve lived in quite a few places since then. Most people ask these questions just because they’re making conversation. I think we need to work a little harder than that.
Compliment, don’t comment
If someone changes their hair color they’re usually cognizant of it. You don’t have to tell them. “You colored your hair.” Those are some shark senses right there. Just say, “Wow! Your hair looks great!” Or if you can’t bring yourself to lie, talk about something else. People know when your compliment is not genuine.
I just get off the plane in Honolulu, go straight to Duke’s in Waikiki for the first night of the family reunion & my cousin gives me a hug & says, “You smell like you just got out of a tanning salon.” That is a comment. I have no idea what it means, I’d like to think I smelled ok. Maybe he thinks the tanning salon smell is a good one, I don’t know. One thing’s for sure, not a great conversation starter.
One of my clients would go to work every day & the guy she sat next to would comment daily on what she was wearing. “You’re wearing a blazer, aren’t you hot?” “You’ve got a skirt on–got a date tonight?” Needless to say, he was never invited out for happy hour after work.
Complimenting is Kind (& Makes Great Small Talk)
Compliment within the boundaries of appropriateness, of course. I personally don’t think it’s appropriate for a colleague to comment or compliment a woman’s skirt. To keep the convo going after a compliment, you can ask a question. I know I said no questions, but make sure it’s a unique question, and as long as you have a cool reply to the answer it’s ok!
For example, I was at a bar & my bag was on the counter. A guy comes up to me, says “That’s a great bag! Where did you get it?” A great opening question that is also a compliment. After I told him, he said, “It’s my sister’s birthday I’m going to get it for her.” We chatted for a bit after that. After he got my digits he confessed it was a lie. His sister wasn’t having a birthday. Kudos to him! It takes courage to start a conversation with a total stranger, and his little white lie didn’t do any harm. His sauceome small talk resulted in a new great friendship!
Don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story–or conversation starter!
Ok, Your Turn to talk about your experiences with small talk!
Tell me what your amazing conversation starters are! Have you ever had any embarrassing or relationship sealing small talk moments?
Watch this awesome video of Ita Olsen: Why am I Not Automatically an Incredible Speaker